just hold me
by blue252
Summary: "He knows her well enough to know she's nowhere near fine. That's she's so far past fine that she's retreated into herself in a way he hasn't experienced since before the night she came to him covered in rain, breathing apologies against his skin. And that's what hurts him the most." Tumblr prompt fill - AU set sometime post S7. One shot.


_AN: This is my response to a prompt from sinextimore on the c_ _astlefanficprompts page on tumblr. The prompt was: "Married Caskett kiss in the rain. If it's possible try to make it angsty or hurt/comfort and PLEASE no Caskett babies involved, she isn't pregnant and they don't have kids, they're just married."_

 _I hope this is at least somewhat close to what you wanted! And as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts/comments._

* * *

 **just hold me**

She's shutting him out.

She's been doing it for the past month and he's exhausted by it. Tired of the excuses and of getting nothing but _Castle, I'm fine_ every time he tries to bring it up. He knows her well enough to know she's nowhere near fine. That's she's so far past fine that she's retreated into herself in a way he hasn't experienced since before the night she came to him covered in rain, breathing apologies against his skin. And that's what hurts him the most.

It hurts because he thought they were past the point of keeping things from each other, of bottling things up until inevitable implosion. He thought that after everything they'd been through they were so much stronger than this. That no matter what, they turned to each other. She's his _wife_ now, the woman he's shared everything with, would do anything for. But here they are regardless, sinking deeper every day that she withdraws, pushes him further and further away. She's hurting and he's hurting because there's literally nothing he can do. And he just can't take it. He loves her too much to let her drown them both.

"I can't do this anymore, Kate."

She startles at his words, her eyes tripping upward until they meet his.

"Castle, I told you I'm fi-"

"You're not fine, Beckett! At least be honest with me enough to admit that much." He tries to hold her gaze, watches as she looks away again, a single tear sliding down her face. "At least be honest with yourself," he adds softly.

She bites at her lip, and he thinks in that moment he can actually feel his heart breaking as the silence stretches out between them. He's always been able to read her before, even in the silence. But he's helpless here against her defenses and it's destroying him. It's been four weeks since the little girl died in her arms at the hand of a murderer they've never been able to catch. Four weeks of a gaping hole that's opened up inside her that she refuses to face. Another minute passes as he watches her curl in on herself on the couch, refusing to speak, refusing to even look at him and it's then that he finally realizes nothing he says can fix this, nothing he says will get through to her.

So he forces himself to move, to tear his eyes from her because he'll never be able to walk away if he doesn't. He finds himself fighting back his own tears as he grabs his jacket and keys off the kitchen table. He just can't watch her do this anymore. He _won't_.

"Castle, wait." He hears her call out to him as he opens the door, her voice a fragile, broken thing.

"Haven't I always, Kate?" he asks, flashing her a tired smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "I can't wait forever like this." He doesn't look back again as the door shuts behind him.

* * *

The rain is cold against his skin as he steps out into the street. He can't find it in himself to care. Let it soak him to the bone, numb the pain that's been coursing through him for far too long. He walks for blocks, dodging people with umbrellas, pedestrians that are seeking shelter from the storm. He wanders aimlessly through the city streets for what feels like an eternity until he's too tired to think anymore Until it's nothing but the sound of thunder in his ears and the streaks of rain across his face.

He finally stops outside a coffee shop he vaguely recognizes as one he's been to with Kate several times. There's a bench nearby where they've sat laughing together before, sipping their drinks and sharing ridiculously over sized pastries. The memory makes him ache in a way he never thought possible and for the hundredth time in the past few weeks, he wonders how everything could feel so hopeless. Wonders if they'll ever get through this.

"Castle." He nearly stumbles as he hears Beckett say his name, turning to find her a few steps away, drenched and looking every bit as exhausted as he feels.

"Castle," she repeats, stepping closer, reaching out to touch his hand.

He stares at her fingers, the cold contact of her skin against his, and finally raises his eyes to meet hers. "I'm sorry," she says, voice cracking. "I'm so sorry."

An entirely different memory flashes through his mind at her words and he has to shut his eyes, swallow hard at the emotion of it all. Everything in him wants to pull her close, kiss away the tears and the rain, tell her that even though it's not okay, that _they_ will be. But he doesn't. Because he needs to hear it from her first, has to know that he still has all of her,even the darkest parts that she wants to hide from the world. If she'll only let him, he'll be right there, through everything.

"I'm so sorry," she echoes, and it's the first time he can finally see _her_ again since that day in the alley with too much blood and a lifeless face he'll never forget.

"I never wanted to shut you out. I just...I couldn't save her, Castle," she says, choking on a sob. "I couldn't save her. I tried so hard and now I don't know how to live with myself." She falls into his arms, collapsing against him as he wraps her up, holds her as steady as he can. "Please don't let me break us, Castle. I don't want to do this without you. I can't do this without you."

She's trembling against him and his own throat tightens, voice gruff as he speaks. "I only want to be there with you, Kate. That's all I ever want," he murmurs the words against her skin. "I love you so damn much."

She pulls back at that, looks him in the eyes for only a second before she's crashing into him, lips meeting his as she's repeating his words right back. _i love you i love you i love you._ Thunder cracks above them as the rain pours steadily but if he didn't care before, he sure as hell doesn't care now. All he knows is the taste of her lips and the beat of her heart against his chest as she pours life back into them with every shared breath.

He raises his fingertips to her face, traces the slope of her jaw as he finally pulls away, rests his forehead against. "Let's go home, Kate."

She takes his hand, laces their fingers, and lets him lead the way.


End file.
